I think I’m actually losing my mind. Every time feels like THIS will be THE time.

And then it isn’t.

Until next time.

Knowing that is coming is something always lingering in the background. The car crash that you can’t quite stop. Slow motion.

It used to be harder. I couldn’t understand why I was drowning. Now, I see the wave coming & I can’t stop it. But, I know to hold my breath. I know to dive deep. And always end up on the other side.

Practice makes perfect. And let me tell you, I’ve gotten a better grip on these coping skills. Finding the ones that work for me, the ones that don’t. The ones that make it worse & the ones that make it seem like it never happened before.

Cycles. Cycles. Never. Ending. Cycles.

Sometimes I can step out of it. Try something new. But it never sticks. It never stays. The only habits that stay are the bad ones. The destructive ones. The ones that confirms all of the things from before.

I’ve never been too messy for him. Too much. Too me. He’s accepted me at every turn. Even the ones he didn’t understand. He stayed when I fought. He stayed when I yelled to go away. When it all came crashing down… he was there.

I don’t think I tell him enough. Because it almost feels like admitting defeat.

It’s weird how 15 years in and parts of me are still running. Still scared. Because, if even my own flesh & blood could walk away after years,.. surely he can too. Right?

I don’t think so anymore.